Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Descriptions of movies found on the digital cable onscreen guide.

Three digital cable onscreen guide descriptions of movies.

Movie #1. Some movie with Timothy Bottoms in it.
I don't remember the title.
Description: Street kids are kidnapped and forced to fight cyborgs.

So...who's actually kidnapping the street kids to fight these cyborgs? The army? Pimps? Very persuasive cyborgs who hold a grudge against some other cyborgs and decide to let some street kids loose on them? How old are these kids, I wonder?

Actually I bet the movie had some lame battle royale premise with a fight-to-the-death climactic scene. That old chestnut. And even though I bet that final scene had some crazy costuming and all, I still didn't want to actually watch the movie.

#2. A Pinhead movie. I didn't watch this movie either.
Description: Man in space station battles Pinhead, as did ancestors.

"Hello, I'm Randy Van de Walle. I live here in this space station, because it is the future! And you know what? I am always and forever trying to kick Pinhead's ass. And sometimes I do kick Pinhead's ass, and, well, sometimes Pinhead kicks my ass.

Fighting with Pinhead preoccupies me. I hardly have time for anything else. But what can I do? The Van de Walles of Lufkin, Texas have always had this conflict dynamic with Pinhead. See my family photo album? Here's my grandma braining Pinhead with one of those old-fashioned gumball machines. Oh, and here's one of Pinhead stabbing my uncles' next-door neighbor by mistake. Nice talking to you--I think I just heard Pinhead's car door and I gotta go find something to beat him with."

#3. The movie is Swallows, a 1926 silent picture.
Description: A young woman rescues waifs from a baby farm owned by a swamp tyrant.

I watched this movie. How could I not? Bad enough there should be a baby farm. And the swamp is no picnic. Add to that a cranky, waif-hoarding swamp tyrant, and, well, I'm just glad Mary Pickford had the cojones to get involved.

2 Comments:

Blogger Jeff Mac said...

These are hilarious. My favorite guide blurb is for a movie called "Black Sunday" which goes something like:

Anti-terrorist must stop blimp pilot from unleashing darts at superbowl.

It's really the best movie concept I've never seen.

12:07 PM  
Blogger sarahfisch said...

THank you, Jeff.

Unleashing darts. How do you unleash darts, at the superbowl or anywhere else? It seems like you'd want to aim a dart, and unleashing doesn't suggest aiming. You unleash a dog. Or helium balloons.

Now there's a movie.

Zeppelin pilot must be prevented from unleashing helium balloons at the superbowl.

Furthermore, aren't darts kind of a dangerous weapon to have aboard a blimp? Dangerous, I mean, to the blimp?

12:09 AM  

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