Descriptions of movies found on the digital cable onscreen guide.
Three digital cable onscreen guide descriptions of movies.
Movie #1. Some movie with Timothy Bottoms in it.
I don't remember the title.
Description: Street kids are kidnapped and forced to fight cyborgs.
So...who's actually kidnapping the street kids to fight these cyborgs? The army? Pimps? Very persuasive cyborgs who hold a grudge against some other cyborgs and decide to let some street kids loose on them? How old are these kids, I wonder?
Actually I bet the movie had some lame battle royale premise with a fight-to-the-death climactic scene. That old chestnut. And even though I bet that final scene had some crazy costuming and all, I still didn't want to actually watch the movie.
#2. A Pinhead movie. I didn't watch this movie either.
Description: Man in space station battles Pinhead, as did ancestors.
"Hello, I'm Randy Van de Walle. I live here in this space station, because it is the future! And you know what? I am always and forever trying to kick Pinhead's ass. And sometimes I do kick Pinhead's ass, and, well, sometimes Pinhead kicks my ass.
Fighting with Pinhead preoccupies me. I hardly have time for anything else. But what can I do? The Van de Walles of Lufkin, Texas have always had this conflict dynamic with Pinhead. See my family photo album? Here's my grandma braining Pinhead with one of those old-fashioned gumball machines. Oh, and here's one of Pinhead stabbing my uncles' next-door neighbor by mistake. Nice talking to you--I think I just heard Pinhead's car door and I gotta go find something to beat him with."
#3. The movie is Swallows, a 1926 silent picture.
Description: A young woman rescues waifs from a baby farm owned by a swamp tyrant.
I watched this movie. How could I not? Bad enough there should be a baby farm. And the swamp is no picnic. Add to that a cranky, waif-hoarding swamp tyrant, and, well, I'm just glad Mary Pickford had the cojones to get involved.
Movie #1. Some movie with Timothy Bottoms in it.
I don't remember the title.
Description: Street kids are kidnapped and forced to fight cyborgs.
So...who's actually kidnapping the street kids to fight these cyborgs? The army? Pimps? Very persuasive cyborgs who hold a grudge against some other cyborgs and decide to let some street kids loose on them? How old are these kids, I wonder?
Actually I bet the movie had some lame battle royale premise with a fight-to-the-death climactic scene. That old chestnut. And even though I bet that final scene had some crazy costuming and all, I still didn't want to actually watch the movie.
#2. A Pinhead movie. I didn't watch this movie either.
Description: Man in space station battles Pinhead, as did ancestors.
"Hello, I'm Randy Van de Walle. I live here in this space station, because it is the future! And you know what? I am always and forever trying to kick Pinhead's ass. And sometimes I do kick Pinhead's ass, and, well, sometimes Pinhead kicks my ass.
Fighting with Pinhead preoccupies me. I hardly have time for anything else. But what can I do? The Van de Walles of Lufkin, Texas have always had this conflict dynamic with Pinhead. See my family photo album? Here's my grandma braining Pinhead with one of those old-fashioned gumball machines. Oh, and here's one of Pinhead stabbing my uncles' next-door neighbor by mistake. Nice talking to you--I think I just heard Pinhead's car door and I gotta go find something to beat him with."
#3. The movie is Swallows, a 1926 silent picture.
Description: A young woman rescues waifs from a baby farm owned by a swamp tyrant.
I watched this movie. How could I not? Bad enough there should be a baby farm. And the swamp is no picnic. Add to that a cranky, waif-hoarding swamp tyrant, and, well, I'm just glad Mary Pickford had the cojones to get involved.
posted by sarahfisch at
10:14 PM
2 Comments:
These are hilarious. My favorite guide blurb is for a movie called "Black Sunday" which goes something like:
Anti-terrorist must stop blimp pilot from unleashing darts at superbowl.
It's really the best movie concept I've never seen.
THank you, Jeff.
Unleashing darts. How do you unleash darts, at the superbowl or anywhere else? It seems like you'd want to aim a dart, and unleashing doesn't suggest aiming. You unleash a dog. Or helium balloons.
Now there's a movie.
Zeppelin pilot must be prevented from unleashing helium balloons at the superbowl.
Furthermore, aren't darts kind of a dangerous weapon to have aboard a blimp? Dangerous, I mean, to the blimp?
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