Many Happy Returns, you bitches

Happy September 30! Had Julie "Sugar Tits" Andrews and Deborah "Chugger" Kerr over for lunch this afternoon-- just like every year, y'all know how we do. I provided the frisee-and-hearts-of-palm salad and the back issues of Playgirl, Julie brought Quiche Lorraine and all her Wu-Tang CDs, and Deborah, of course, brought the traditional petits fours and six bottles of Goldschlager. Oh, the time we had! We discussed so many things pertinent to the cultured modern gal, such as how to pee while wearing a hoopskirt, prank-calling Joe Francis, and the surprising erotic frisson in portraying nannies.
"Does Mary Poppins have an orgasm? Does she go to the bathroom?" Jules asked Deb and me. We shrugged. "I assure you, she does," Julie trilled, then gaily polished off her Goldschlager shot.
"I'm relieved to hear it," I said.
"I don't want to be thought of as wholesome," Julie added, picking flecks of gold from between her teeth.
"Word," I said.
But Debbie K. shook her head, opining "all the most successful people seem to be neurotic. Perhaps we should stop being sorry for them and start being sorry for me - for being so confounded normal."
"I hear you, Miz Krrrrr," I murmured in solidarity, patting her hand. Deborah's crystal-blue eyes narrowed to slits and she slapped me across the face-- sharply, but with a palpable affection.
"Kerr rhymes with star," she admonished me.
"My bad," I admitted, holding a chilled heart of palm against my burning cheek. "But you seem to me to have a lot of repressed rage, Miz Thang."
Deb agreed, explaining, "I came over here to act, but it turned out all I had to do was to be high-minded, long suffering, white-gloved and decorative."
"I know what you mean, dude," I said. "Sometimes I feel like the only thing the culture wants from me is to be somebody's wife, and now I'm getting too old even for that."
"Personally, I think if a woman hasn't met the right man by the time she's 24, she may be lucky," Deborah insisted.
Ms. Andrews agreed. "I don't think we were put into this world to be unhappy. If you're happy with yourself, then you can be happy with others. I think that is probably the most important thing."
"That seems right," I admitted. "Who's for more Goldschlager?"
I don't have to tell you, they both were.

Then, as per usual, Julie took her top off.



*****************


(NOTE: This scenario is entirely fictional. But the ladies' quotes, themselves, are not. Also, Deborah Kerr's birthday is Sept. 30, today--she turns 85, Julie Andrews turns 71 tomorrow, October 1.)

Look, I'm Posting

I was watching a Bill Maher rerun, and had the following pointless and shallow epiphany about P.J. O'Rourke:

Take Zbigniew Brezinski:


Add Stephen Malkmus's hair:











Et VOILA! The Peej.

Rest in Peace, Governor

Dear Ann,

I'm so sad you're gone, Governor Richards. The first vote I ever cast was for you, and I would've gone on voting for you forever, were it possible. You made being a Texan more fun and helped us all seem temporarily smarter. I hope you get many public schools and theatres and libraries named after you. I myself plan to re-name something in your honor. I'll let you know what, when I figure it out. If you have any suggestions, let me know.

Sincerely yours,
Sarah Fisch


edited to add: I found this in the Wikipedia article about Ann:
In 2006, the Austin Independent School District announced "The Ann Richards School for Young Women Leaders," a college preparatory school for girls, with grades 6-12 which will open in the fall of 2007. The intellectual focus will be math, science and technology, while the physical focus is building strength through good nutrition, exercise and other wellness strategies.

Yay!