The Wit and Wisdom of Tammy Faye

I'm taking a break from Shark Week and watching Tammy Faye Messner on Larry King.

Here are some highlights.
And there's my whole set-up, y'all.

Larry mentions how he'd interviewed Billy Graham recently, and Billy Graham had told Larry that he was at peace, looking forward to paradise, and that he'd be happy if he died that night. So Larry asks Tammy Faye, whose lung cancer has just recurred, if she, too, felt ready to...well, die. Like NOW.

Gah, Larry! Harsh!

So TF gazed at him kind of blankly at first, as if he'd lost his mind, then composed herself and outright giggled. And she chirped, "well, I'd rather not be in the first busload. I mean, how old is Billy...eightysomething, almost ninety?" No shit! Tammy faye Messner has THINGS TO DO!

A woman called in, commending TF on her role in VH1 program The Surreal Life, and admiring her tolerance of those whom other evangelical Christians routinely condemn. And TF nods seriously, and talks really earnestly and well about a minister friend of hers who was excluded from a religious conference due to his, well, "love of the gays," TF says. When the next caller asked if TF keeps in touch with her former housemates, TF said she's still good friends with Ron Jeremy, adding "hi, Ron!" Aww. What do they talk about, do you think? Cancer? Jews? Jesus? Porno? What?

A British woman called in, and reflected that American Christian women wear a lot more make-up and more elaborate hairdos than Christian women in Britain, and why did TF think that is? TF laughingly said "I gotta get over there and do some makeovers--I've never noticed English women wearing makeup whether they were going to church or not!" Take that, you plain-ass Jesus limeys!

PIECE DE RESISTANCE: She wants to be cremated, and for her ashes to be placed in maracas.

Happy Shark Week, Y'all!

SHARK WEEK is in effect.

Right now I'm watching some sharkologist types diving with reef sharks off the coast of Bimini and trying to incite them to attack barracuda-filet-wrapped "bite meters." One of these fools got bit really bad a few years ago doing this. Now he wears chain mail.*

He's German.

Happy Shark Week!

Edited to add:

OK, so now, I'm lookin' at "Mythbusters" and they're debunking "Jaws myths." One of the things they're doing is they're building a shark-punching robot. They wanna see whether punching a shark in the face will dissuade him or her from attacking...robots.

I don't approve of this!

I don't think it's nice to build robots to punch sharks. Sharks aren't asking for that shit. You wanna take on a shark, Mythbusters? Have the decency to punch the shark your damn self, and then let the shark have a turn. Sending a tuna-scented crash-test dummy with hydraulic fists down there is a dick move.

Edited again to add:

Later in the Mythbusters show they sent one of the Mythbusters down into reef shark territory wearing chain mail.* He had a wire box of cut-up fish with him. And he had to punch the sharks hisself. It seemed nicer than the shark-punching robot, in that one of the punched-in-person sharks coulda bit back, and in doing so would bite a real guy, but I still didn't care for it.

*Nice to see chain mail out and about again.
No, wait, no it isn't.

Moneymaking Ideas!

I'm gonna take out ads in evangelical Christian church bulletins, saying I'm a nice, responsible girl, but unSaved, and that for a onetime nonrefundable fee of $500 I'll take care of Left Behind pets after the Rapture. I'll get my clients' contact info and addresses and all, keep an e-mail list. Periodically I'll send an e-mail out saying "please respond to this email, Christians, otherwise I'll assume Jesus already sucked y'all up and I'll come get your dogs."

New Medicine Monster

That Lunesta butterfly FREAKS. ME. OUT.
Sleep aid, my ass!
"And then after you take this medication, a glow-in-the-dark, vampire-bat-sized green moth will find an open window to your bedroom, and float in and reassure you."

Sometimes the Sharks Make it Hard to Be On Their Side

Not impossible, but definitely challenging. Whereas it's totally easy to root for dolphins all the time. Sea mammal aficionados are such lightweights. You got to really be loyal to the sharks, really feel a commitment, to stay in their corner, what with all the negative media attention they're racking up lately. Probably it also helps to stay out of Florida. They seem to have a lot of those bull sharks there. Those bull sharks are behaving like bitey, teen-chawing redneck jerks! Bull sharks of Florida, y'all need to cut that shit out!

Except even with the recent acting-out, it's really not like the sharks are so much of a threat. I did a little google research, and way more people are killed annually by vending machines, donkeys, and bees. And lightning. And hippos. And bathtubs.

So, to sum up, my advice to the bull sharks is to mind their p's and q's, and my advice to the news media is to cover something else.