Bad Paparrazzo Game

Maybe I don't so much suck as this phone camera does.
See if you can identify these comedy performers!
I'll post their identities later.

Lawn Statuary of East Williamsburg

LION

This is a lion.


GUYS BEARING STUFF


These two dudes are somewhat similar.


STILL LIFE

This cement basket of fruit kind of freaks me out.


OWL

I wish this photo had turned out better--this owl looked pretty realistic and spooky with the cloudy sky whooshing by behind it. I think these faux owls are meant to deter pigeons. Near this fake owl gate, there is an apartment building upon whose roof there is a giant pigeon coop. I wonder if the pigeon coop guy ever passes by and notices this anti-pigeon owl and gets his feelings hurt.


THANKS DAD

This is a plaque set into the brick facade of a newly refurbished building on Conselyea Street.

103, 000 Women Locked Up

There are 103,000 women currently locked up in prison in the USA.
2.1 million people are locked up in prison, total.
Using the most recent Justice Department data, the Justice Policy Institute found that last year two-thirds of those 2.1 million were incarcerated for nonviolent offenses, representing the first time in American history that more than one million (1,185,458) people were confined for crimes involving no violence.
It costs 2x the amount to incarcerate women than men, mostly due to the cost of caring for incarcerated women's children.
It costs 22k a year to imprison a person in America (but I didn't catch whether that means a man or a woman).
American taxpayers pay 2 billion dollars a year to keep people in prison.
These statistics come from CNN.
Which I watch to reaffirm my belief that America is a very troubled place.
Now look at this photo I took of that statue in Union Square of the lady with the kids.
Who the hell is this lady?
Do any of y'all know?
Tell me.
What is she meant to represent?



Help me with my mental burdens, o Barbara.


(Note: I edited this post from earlier and added the Justice Dept study statistic)

Don't Look at These Hideous Freaks

Listen, my babies, my comrades, my Bleu State Pervo Godless Commie Ahtist Pornographer friends, the only reason I'm posting these grisly photos is to placate the special interests.
But still, don't...don't look. DON'T. Go peruse schlongmonster.com or assbiters.org. Go have sex with a man. Especially if you ARE a man.
I BEG OF YOU.
Okay, SO. You know my policy with photos of the shameful variety, Barbara: make 'em small.

RUTHLESS BITCHES

This is an FBI surveillance photo of Carol Fisch, a.k.a. "Screaming Mimi," her daughter Annie "Pedal to the Metal" Hamlin, and Annie's daughter Lilly, known in Montessori circles as "the Nakes."

All three are serial killers.


DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS

Cute, aren't they? But what you can't see is that just out of frame, a small, frail, elderly woman is imprisoned in a wire mesh cage. She is Lucretia "the Taxidermist" MacFahrquahr, Carol's old nemesis from back in the St. Louis days. It took nearly forty years, but Carol finally got 'er. Lilly is poking The Taxidermist with a stick.


SHOCKING ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES

The taller fellow pictured here is Matt "Chopper" Hamlin, my brother-in-law and owner of San Antonio, Texas bicycle shop/ acoustic biker crime den Bicycle Heaven. The guy menacing the photographer is Wil "The Baby" Hamlin. Wil enjoys breastfeeding, clean diapers, and getting lots of sleep. Wil is forty-seven years old.


JUST PLAIN GROSS

Wil again. His grandfather, John "Poppy the Napper" Fisch, is also pictured. That is his thumb. The rest of him is preoccupied with plotting more murders and is too dangerous to photograph.

If you see any of these people, watch the fuck out.

Photo Credit: Ruthie "G-Person" Goldsmith, cleverly disguised as a mariachi. Damned fine work, G.

Better? Worse?

So I messed with my blog some. What do y'all think? I'm likin' the polka-dots.

Well?

It was time for a change. I'm also fi'n'a change my hair. I am considering a little bit of layering, and perhaps what they call a "false bang."

Or I could wimp out and buy me a wig (see below).

FISCH OUT

Seasonal Affective Dumbassery: A How-To

Take a leisurely stroll in a nearby park on a gorgeous, sunny spring afternoon. Revel in your jacketlessness. Feel the sunshine on your happy face. Observe the picnicking families, the old Polish guys sunning themselves on their benches, the bustling handball courts, the shouting children at their soccer game.

Ahh, spring.

Next, rapidly conclude, based on some wildly inaccurate data provided you by your peripheral vision, that a softball is rocketing towards your head. Duck reflexively and cover your head with your arms. Just as quickly, correctly determine that the threat was imagined, and straighten back up and continue walking as though nothing had happened. Accept that you now look like a crazy person. But whatever, you know, that's cool.

The Golden Age of Cruddy Phone Photography

(Note: I have "improved" the aesthetics and quips of the post. I hope that does not make me a phony. )

I got a new phone a couple months ago, Barbara.*
It has a camera in it!

I can't tell you how much I am enjoying this little camera. But I will try. I am really, really, really, really, really, really, really enjoying this little camera in my phone.


Here are some photos of springtime in New York.



That's a dogwood tree near my shrink's office, which is on Central Park East. Her office had a great view of the Gates, back in the day. I encouraged peeps to go get a look from her window but to watch out, because her methods are very confrontational and directive.




Here are some daffodils in Central Park. I'm right up on 'em in this photo. They look fake, but they weren't. They look better smaller. If I make this image larger, they totally look plastic.




Also Central Park. I took these like ten days ago. Things were just then in full bud-and-bloom, but by today the dogwoods are already going leafy.


Here are some photos of people.



That's Bruce Ronn on his 40th birthday, wearing an anti-stress eye mask, and lookin' good. Don't'cha think!? He had a karaoke party. Village Karaoke, which is BYOB. I recommend it. It's on Cooper Square. It used to be a massage parlor.



Here's Moonshine on Bruce Ronn's birthday, likewise lookin' good. Check out his "Midnight with Moonshine" show at Bowery Poetry Club midninghts on Wednesdays, um, at Bowery Poetry Club, on Wednesdays. Is that all the info you'll need? I think so.




I met these boys in church. They just want to touch him, as you can see.




You cannot for love nor money convince me that this is not a small girl gang. Do you hear me? GIRL GANG. GIRL GANG!! They'll bang you right here at the Central Park duck pond, near the toy-sailboat-rental-pagoda, under the azalea bushes, as the Maclaren strollers go a-rollin' by.





Now, here is a small fraction of the photos I have taken of myself, but because this is shameful, I have made them small.



Now then, check out this arty photo I took of a bas-relief I done seen at the park!

Thank you for viewing my first online photo exhibit.
I would also like to take this opportunity to send a shout-out to my parents:


Sigh. Dad lives in that tree.


*In case you don't remember, my readers, "Barbara" is what I call y'all collectively.

Meet Joyce.

Gay Porn--So Much Cuter

So I'm watching a documentary about a now-defunct publication called Physique Pictorial, and that was one endearing beefcake mag, y'all! It was particularly adorable in 1958-1965. Cute smiling boys, often nude but sometimes with fun accessories like a giant sombrero, or an Indian chief headdress. It was quite DIY-looking--the art direction was human-scale, un-slick. Black and white, too! Samizdat-o-rama.

And because this documentary is on TRIO, they've pixillated the genitals. Pixillating genitals is very flattering, I must say. It "rounds up," if you catch my drift--I kept thinking "Lawsy, that boy must be enormous--look at the size of that pixillated area!"


Oh, and guess who has a show tomorrow night?
See two posts down.

So, HA!

mocha: All my lols will be truthful from now on.
sarah: Now there's a vow for the ages.
sarah: Post that on your blog and smoke it!
mocha: Yes, stick this up your blog!
sarah: And smoke it!
mocha: lol
sarah: You'd better use that, or I will.
sarah: I give you THREE DAYS.
mocha: Wait--
mocha: which one?
sarah: All of it!
mocha: You're giving me "put that in your blog and smoke it?"
mocha: But I'm using it right now!
sarah: No, i want it AND I want all "my lols will be truthful"
sarah: Or we can swap.
sarah: Or i'll just post this IM.


*note: please look at the post just under this one, about my show.

Come See Me on Thursday

I'm in a really good show on Thursday night, friends.

No Hitting!
With Becky Donohue and Jeff Mac
Mickey's Blue Room
171 Ave C (bet. 10th & 11th)
Subways: F to 2nd Ave, L to 1st Ave
$3 cover, cheap drinks

The blog for the show is very funny, and links to the hosts' very-funny blogs:
http://nohittingcomedy.blogspot.com/

If y'all go, I bet you will all enjoy yourselves, because I plan to
look pretty and speak in a clear and well-modulated voice. Plus, they
sell alcohol there!

In addition to me, there will be:

1. Todd Levin, a standup/writer who's written for Salon, Glamour, The
Modern Humorist, McSweeney's, and The Onion!
2. Katie McCabe, founder of The Hester Prynz improv group, Gayety and Ladyfest featured performer, and host of a weekly comedy series at Punch!
3. Damien Sammarco, of the Chicago-based improv juggernaut "Sickest
Fucking Stories" and the dreaded Trainwreck at the Parkside Lounge!
4. Josh Comers, frequent and funny stand-up on the NYC scene, and
writer for The (late) Late Show With Craig Kilborn!

You may have already gotten the e-mail saying all this, if you're on my list. And that e-mail had this blog URL on it, and if you came to look at my blog based on the e-mail, this was all redundant for you.

I'm sorry.
Let me add something new.
...So, um, how are you guys, good?
Anybody seen the Basquiat show?
Deededeeededeeeeeeee.
*cymbal crash*

This Post Will Damn Well Be Light and Breezy

(Sound of Fisch screaming hysterically, if she had audio-post savvy).

HAPPY THOUGHTS, HAPPY THOUGHTS

*90% of the time, if you say, "hi, dog!" to a passing dog on the street, he'll make eye contact and wag a tiny bit, saying "hi!" back. Try it, you'll like it!

*No matter how bad things get, my name is not Lucretia McFarhrquahr.

*Clean sheets

* http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050401/ap_on_sc/captive_shark

this shark story above is pretty cool. Thanks, Alice!
I'm glad they let that shark out. She was not gonna be a good fit for an aquarium environment, and they woulda always been mad. I think keeping a Great White Shark in your aquarium is just asking for trouble. Don't get another one, Monterey Aquarium. Although if you do, I will definitely do everything in my power to come look at it.

Find the Old New Mystery Post! Also: Help

1. Hi.

if y'all like me, then y'all are in for a treat if you scroll down to March 14. I finally posted a thing I'd saved as a draft, so it comes out down there.

If you don't like me, then definitely don't read this bonus post.
Or any of the rest of this stuff.
It's just more of me to hate!
I could see that being fun though.

2. Help.

I used to have a counter on here, but it disappeared. Barbara, do you know why it would disappear, and how I can get it back?

I Hear Good Things About You, Jesus

Dear Jesus,

Do you have a minute?

I figured you might, now that the Terry Schiavo and Pope John Paul 2 situations are not so time-sensitive.

So, Jesus, listen, I'd appreciate some help, here. Anything You could do with regard to my overall wellbeing, like granting me peace and hope and remote absorption of any sins I've racked up, would be really nice of You. But more specifically, if You could see Your way to getting hold of a new albuterol inhaler, an Advair diskus, and a few months' supply of .75 mcg levothyroxine, 300 mg lamotrygine, and 300 mg Wellbutrin XL tabs for me, oh my G*d, I'd be hella grateful.




I don't wanna tell You Your business, but maybe You could, like, send Your Mom? She seems to appear in corporeal form somewhat oftener than You. She could materialize in the kitchen with my meds, and then I could go to the Brooklyn archdiocese and witness to Her divine presence and have them build Her a little something-something. A public pool would be nice, I think.

I wouldn't even ask, but all my secular options have been really fucked up lately. My ex-employer cancelled my medical insurance, funnily enough, without having got me my COBRA information in time for me to pay it and thereby maintain coverage--and though I sent them a check immediately upon finding out I'd been cancelled, it still took two weeks to reinstate me. I guess they're not miracle workers, huh? HAHA! (Sorry.)

And my out-of-pocket for my meds this month would’ve been about three hundred and fifty dollars. And though I could get my hands on the dough, I kind of had it earmarked for rent.

And although I asked, my doctor doesn't really like to give out free medicine. Presumably it irks the pharmaceutical sales reps. And hell, my doc isn't Mother Teresa. She gotta do for her and hers, a'ight?



Now, if there were some kind of national healthcare program, then I wouldn't have to bother You, Jesus. It would be far easier for me and others to obtain our prescribed medications without interruptions due to huge expense and/or reliance on corporate employment status. Why, if there was national healthcare for everybody, it'd probably even be easier to obtain asthma medications than street drugs! Because, Jesus, I know a guy who hangs out in front of the diner who tells me if I give him ten dollars, he'll give me several doses of diacetyl morphine right there on the spot, without phoning the HR lady at Holtzbrinck Publishing or the United Healthcare coverage department. Not that I've taken him up on it, just saying.

Now, I realize it's gonna be a great inconvenience for You and all the angels and saints to look after the health care needs of all Americans. I don't envy You the paperwork. But the President speaks so highly of You, and despite my semi-Jew status I did go to Your schools, as a kid.

Help a sister out.